Feelings…

This is a short blog that covers the winding path my feelings took this past week.

It’s been a long time since I’ve actively felt pride in Canadian leadership. Actually, if I was being honest, I would have to say it’s been a relatively long time since I’ve felt good about a lot of the leadership I see whether it’s at a global or municipal level, whether it’s work-related or industry-related. Even on a personal level, I see far more “me” oriented people in power, rather than true leaders who are about lifting others up and doing good work, not work designed to push themselves up the ladder. This past week when my Prime Minister, Mark Carney, stood up and was frank, honest and intelligent I was so proud. I felt the first glimmers of hope. No, our government isn’t perfect. In my not-so-humble opinion we have the right person at the helm as we navigate turbulent waters. Ninety years ago a lesson was given to the world about dictatorship and targeting a group of people in order to blame them for a country’s ills. We didn’t learn it. I’m not just proud of my Prime Minister and the impact he had on a world stage, I’m grateful that he is representing what is best for our country.

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride this week and another feeling I’ve dealt with all week long is inadequacy. I desperately want to finish my first novel and see it on bookstore shelves. I have been working hard, keeping to my routine, researching, writing, planning and allowing my characters to tell their stories but I’m still so unsure. A year ago I believed in myself. Today, maybe because I’ve made this my new career it carries more weight. Maybe that’s why I feel this concern inside. Maybe I’m not a good enough writer. Maybe the novel isn’t what people want to read. Maybe, what I think is good, is not. Inadequacy is something I’ve felt many times over the years. I thought I’d managed to overcome it but this week, it’s raised its head once again.

As I mentioned above, my week has been topsy turvy. Well, along with that is a sadness or level of depression. Now, this isn’t all that new to me and I know people who suffer, especially at this time of year. For me, this has been crying over nothing, a desire to do nothing (and I didn’t give in) and an interest in nothing. Nothing is the hardest thing. If you look around and there isn’t anything that speaks to you, it’s very easy to become paralyzed. If you shrink from interactions with others, the darkness may become your cocoon and the one that holds on tight to you.

Last weekend a friend reached out after reading my blog and shared her favourite parts. She’ll probably never know the joy that I felt after reading her text. (Well, she might now.) That little bit of connection was like a warm blanket to me. It soothes and comforts. She didn’t just say, oh I like it, she told me which words spoke to her. That’s a gift and one that I truly treasure. It’s a feeling of value - that what I wrote created something good inside of her.

We’ve been under a polar vortex for the last couple of days. I was away for a night and the feeling I fought while away is fear. I hate fear and yet, lately, it’s something that spends a lot of time in my conscious. The house is old and although I’ve had work done, I still worry that something bad can happen (and often does, it seems). We’ve had these temperatures before but as the polar vortex was entering our area, our fire department put out hints to deal with possible scenarios. The one that frightened me was the freezing of pipes and the suggestion was to leave the tap dripping. Now, I only have one tap that is of concern to me - the kitchen tap. Where I live water is extremely expensive so the idea of leaving water running is a potentially costly one. When I returned home yesterday I was relieved to discover the pipe wasn’t frozen and I now have a slow but steady drip. I know that spring, especially after the amount of snow we’ve received will involve the potential for flooding and will definitely mean my sump pumps will be running steadily. Each year I’ve improved the cellar situation but that doesn’t diminish the fear I have about the upcoming season.

There’s another fear I’ve been feeling. That’s a fear for the future. With the events happening to the south of us, the threats to us as a country and the economic and human impacts I’m more than fearful, I’m close to terrified. I’m also incredibly perplexed. I do not understand how it happened. I do not understand how it continues. I do not understand how a republic built on the foundation of a constitution with checks and balances has no control. Along with the fear are my deep feelings of sadness, anger and compassion for the people trying to stand up to the madness.

After our deep freeze we are now awaiting a massive snow storm. As I look out my kitchen windows, I can see our snow has started. I brought in one of my bird feeders this week to clean it out, as snow had made a mess of it. Thankfully it’s back out and the chickadees are enjoying it once again. Before I sat down with this blog, I went out and ensured all three of my feeders are filled. Traipsing around the yard, I watched a chickadee as it watched me. It didn’t move, sitting still in the tree as I stomped in the deep snow. As I filled up the final feeder, I had six blue jays start shouting. Now, I took it as their way of letting me know they were ready for lunch. LOL They were so loud and parked themselves in a nearby tree waiting until I finished and moved away. I mention this because of the feeling of awe that arose in me. Even in the midst of the horrors in the world these days, I can still feel awe. That’s a gift from God. The beauty of the snow, the freshness of the air, the way it clears your head, all are gifts of nature and for me, nature is a gift from God.

The last feeling I’ll share from this week is gratitude. I decided to spend a night at my mom’s. I’ve had a couple of people tell me they woke up grumpy this past week (not every day but…) and they didn’t have a reason why. Well, on Friday afternoon I was a little grumpy myself. I got roped into something that wasn’t in my plan. I spent a couple of hours with my niece at her riding session. Now, I love horses so that’s not a problem. I don’t mind barns. The smells don’t really bother me. But. I was cold. I was tired. I didn’t know I would be going to a barn so I wasn’t wearing my barn clothes. I didn’t want my new hat to smell like a barn or a horse. So. I was grumpy. I was also grateful. I got a little cold in the arena watching her ride but she is so natural on a horse that it was joy to watch her. She has such an affinity with animals. I watched as she spent time grooming a horse that next to her looked like a giraffe and did so with such ease. I was and am grateful that I got the chance to step away from the rest of my world and have that time with her.

I’ve learned this week that I can have multiple feelings all at once. I’m sure I knew that before but this week was an example of colliding emotions day after day. I also discovered I am stronger than I sometimes feel. I can and will make it through.

Living room decor.

Kitchen decor.

Joker and my niece. Pure joy.