SAD…

DISCLAIMER - Please remember I am NOT a medical or health and wellness practitioner. I have not been trained in any health field. These thoughts are mine alone and demonstrate what I’m thinking and feeling. From the Canadian Government’s website:

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This winter has been tough on a lot of people I know. It’s been tough on me. I decided to write this blog to share what I’ve learned. And not only learned but remembered. Encountered. Experienced. What I’m doing to make it healthily to spring. This blog could be a bit chaotic, as my thoughts have been. It might seem to be focused on the negative - certainly it feels that way at the start. I urge you to read all of it. I don’t want it judged on the “set up”. I want you to read the positives.

Definition of sad (from Oxford Languages online dictionary): feeling or showing sorrow; unhappy.

SAD = seasonal affective disorder (as per Mayo Clinic’s website): a type of depression that's related to changes in seasons. Most people affected have “symptoms [that] start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody.

From the American Psychiatric Association: Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious mental disorder that negatively affects how you feel, think, act, and perceive the world.

I find that people often use the word depressed, without intending the medical disorder. “I’m so depressed.” “ I’m tired of the grey skies.” “ The cold depresses me.” I think we mean sad but for some reason, at least with the people I know, the word used is “depressed”. Perhaps we see it in degrees - we’re depressed but not clinical. We’re sad but we say depressed and we are equating the words. I don’t know the reasons, to be honest. This is what I do know. There are people in my life who suffer from SAD and have been diagnosed by their doctors. There are people in my life who are struggling. There are people in my life who have mobility issues so the depth of winter becomes very hard for them. There are people who are feeling overwhelmed by life and winter has made it feel worse.

One thing that interests me is the different ways that sadness or depression presents itself. I’ve seen anger and overreacting to others. I’ve seen hibernation where someone cannot be out in public. I’ve seen self pity. I’ve seen overcompensation. I don’t see self medicating too often but I know that’s out there, too.

I am sad. Not diagnosed with SAD. Just feeling sad. I cry far too much. I want to burrow in my house and not come out until spring. I want to bury myself in books. I get lazy. In the past there have been times I’ve connected with a therapist and worked my way through my feelings. Most recently I engaged with a psychologist as I entered my final year of work. It was helpful to get through some of the anxiety that is natural when making a big change in life. I’m not a big believer in self diagnosing - Google is not a doctor but I do trust medical professionals so if you need the support, use whatever resources are available to you.

What I know is that I’m feeling overwhelmed by the world these days and I’m still sorting my way through my new world of retirement. The winter we’ve had hasn’t helped much. Other people’s problems sit with me - by that I mean I feel them in my heart and head. I know I can’t do anything but they weigh me down. I also know that the only person I can do anything for is me. One of the biggest issues I see with the world right now is a ‘me’ society so I find it a challenge to focus on me. And I know that if I don’t tell anyone I’m struggling how can I expect them to understand? We want people to see us as we are and give us the compassion or supports we need without sharing the challenges we’re facing. I can become frustrated when I’m seen as strong and capable of taking on more when in fact, I’m barely holding my own. That’s on me, not on a person requesting my time. If I’m not honest and open, how can they know?

So, I look back over the last month or so and I see a sad me. There have been occasions when I’ve got through the day but haven’t been the me I want to be. There have been times when I sit in shock at the latest insult and threat to be issued by the U.S. president. My goodness, he called one of his nation’s athletes, competing at the Olympics, a loser. I read about the tragic mass shooting in B.C. where children my niece’s age were gunned down. I listen to my son complain (understandably) about how impossible it will be to purchase a home where he lives, even though he makes an excellent wage. I see a child who feels unsafe where she lives. I see a woman who works with the most vulnerable children in a school and who after thirty years on the job doesn’t make a living wage. I see a cousin who has a black grandson and who has to live with fear each and every day of what could happen to him in the U.S.

No wonder I’m sad! Add to it bitter temperatures that have kept me from truly embracing the outdoors. I worry constantly about the melt that will come this spring. I know. That’s a waste of my energy - it will come whether I worry or not. I listen to people argue and complain constantly. There seems to be very little accountability taken for their chosen actions. I’m tired of blame being put on anyone’s shoulders. Previous generations. Immigrants. Neighbours. Family members. I’m sick of people putting others down just because they don’t agree on a choice. Something as minor as buying an electric vehicle in our area. Oh my goodness! Why is so much energy spent putting down the person who purchased it? If you don’t like it, don’t buy one! Why do you care if someone else spends their money that way?

Lately I feel like I live in a world based in fear and hatred. I don’t want any part of it. I also don’t want to constantly listen to your complaints and ignorance. Don’t spend your time blaming me for my choices when they have not impacted you at all. My son drives an electric vehicle. I like driving it. Shove your attitude somewhere else. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to live in a world where a country’s leader puts down the very people he is supposed to be serving. I think our prime minister is doing an amazing job because he leads. With compassion. With thought. With positivity. I want that.

So, I’ve said how I’m feeling and why I’m sad all the time now. That’s no way to live. I need to embrace life. I need to engage in positive actions. I need to feel there’s a reason to open my eyes each morning.

When I finally took all of my thoughts and feelings that I wanted to write about and started putting them on paper, I realized there was something missing. My reaction has been more than sadness. That’s the part that I really want to share here. And if you’re feeling some of the same sadness that I’m feeling, I hope you can take something positive from my experiences.

There was a day when I felt I’d given up on myself. I didn’t follow my writing schedule. At the end of the day, I was upset with myself. How am I going to get my novel finished if I slack off? So, I sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and I wrote out what I did that day. At the end of it, I saw a list. It had things like a long walk, two loads of laundry, tidied the kitchen and changed my linen. Also on the list was my daily journal entry and my twenty minute writing exercise. I also made supper, from scratch and finished reading my book. So no. I didn’t do nothing. In fact, I had enough on that list to accept that while a slower day, it was still a productive one.

Last weekend I took my nieces to our winter festival in the city. The first day was brutally cold, around the -25C mark for windchill. We went skating on the Rideau Canal and we barely lasted. It was the shortest skate I’ve ever taken. I felt awful. I’d been so excited to share that experience. That night as I thought about our day, I realized that while we didn’t spend a lot of time on our skates, my young niece got a chance to be on the canal. We had lunch out (which they love), made a bath bomb at a specialty shop, toured the market area and had Beavertails. We had a wonderful dinner out and finished the night in the hotel pool. The next day was fantastic and the weather was noticeably better for outdoor activities. All in all, a fantastic weekend.

A friend offered to be an early reader of my book. She took the time and effort to read the first (almost) half and provided comprehensive feedback. I’ve been feeling very down about it. I belong to a writers’ group but it hasn’t been meeting my needs lately and so I’ve struggled. The offer and the subsequent engagement by my friend was phenomenal. It’s given me lots to consider and focus on as I move ahead. Priceless.

A couple of weeks ago I met up with a friend and we had a visit at her place. Her teenage son was engaging and funny and had that mix of self confidence and arrogance that you often find in eighteen year olds. We talked about all sorts of things and my friend also offered to support my writing. At a time when I was really struggling, I had a wonderful break. My spirit was lightened from the visit and I left for home feeling uplifted.

I was having a tough time and feeling unsettled in my house. I’ve made some changes since retirement that have impacted my comfort in my living room. I love all of my house and each room has a definite purpose and I make use of them. The living room was feeling blah. I’ve been thinking it will be the last room I decorate or change. It’s at the back of the house and I haven’t really known what I want to do. Well, that all changed. The accent wall has been painted and the next step is ready for implementation. I don’t even have the rest of the paint chosen but I knew I had to do something. So, I’ve started. What a change it’s making.

The five examples I’ve listed are to share with you how I’ve worked to move beyond my sadness. I have times when tears still come; too many if I’m being honest. I’m pushing through. I’m worried about all sorts of things but I’m doing my best to not let it paralyze me. I’m forcing myself out the door to attend events or see people. Putting my head in the sand and hoping the world passes by isn’t going to cut it. I don’t know what to do if you’re battling a medical condition. Truth is, I don’t know what you should do if you’re sad like I am. But I know that trying to see the positive side of things, helps. I know that seeing it written out on paper, helps. I know that fresh air, helps. I know that good music and good friends and someone who is willing to put their arms around you (figuratively or literally), helps. I know that telling people “thank you” and “I love you”, helps. I know that making plans, helps.

I hope my experience helps.

Some of the amazing sculptures at Ottawa’s Winterlude Festival.

A cold niece on a world famous skating rink!

First steps in a new look for my living room! More to come…