Yearning…

This summer has been very strange. First and of primary issue for me is the state of my pool. Normally I start my day in the pool, have a quick dip at lunch when time allows and end my work day with a swim. Depending on the day, etc. I might even jump in quickly before bed. Not this year. It’s been a battle from back in April when I discovered an essential piece was broken and has continued to be uphill. Second, I seem to be more impacted by the heat and humidity than in past years. Perhaps it’s the reality of aging. Third is I’m trying to pack my summer with activities and events unlike previous years because it’s my last one with my current paycheque. In the course of treating myself to a weekend away or a night out at our arts centre, I find I’m yearning for something else.

I’m yearning for the summers of past memories. The easy summers of weekends spent working around the yard and ending with a float and swim in a crystal clear pool. Summers with Fridays on the golf course with my friend, late afternoon tee times with my uncle and drinks at the Legion after. Summer evenings spent at football games. BBQs with family. The sounds of my niece splashing in the pool. Those memories aren’t from very long ago but they seem distant this year.

Childhood summers, memories resurrected by online posts and pictures, filled with sunshine, tanned bodies, ice cream at the amazing Peterson’s, swimming in our pool or at the beach and sleepovers. The heat and humidity existed then and I still remember tossing the sheet off as the air was hot and heavy. We didn’t have an air conditioner growing up although there were fans. I remember those nights without the discomfort that I know they held. We could swim in our pool until late and were still up early to jump back in.

As an adult looking back I know those days and nights weren’t idyllic. They’ve become that way from the soft focus of memory. And yet, I’m still yearning for something about them. Is it the lack of concern I felt during them? Even the recent memories of good summers have a feeling of freedom to them. A lack of cares and worries. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s breathing space to just be.

As I pause and think about this, I have to say it’s been a summer of worries. The squirrels that moved back into my attic, the cost of the evictions and then the fix for the house. The pool problems - three very expensive parts that required replacements. The fear of extreme weather impacts. We don’t just have rain, we have lightning, thunder, hail, and high winds. The cost of everything - groceries, gas, utilities, and so on.

Maybe those are the things that get forgotten from the past. That’s why I yearn for what’s gone. I’m yearning for more, though. I’m yearning for a chance to determine my future. I always say I’m in the driver’s seat of my own life. It’s my own choices that put me on whatever path I follow. It’s true. But there are some realities to life, as well. I have bills to pay, responsibilities to my home, my people, my job, my bank account. Sometimes I have to make choices not based on what I want but what I need. That’s okay. It’s part of being a grown up.

I took a break while writing and sat back while thunderstorms rolled through. Lots of thunder and a heavy downpour but no lightning, thankfully. I leaned back and let my mind wander. I’d like to better understanding my yearnings. I think in the past they were often quite practical. I longed for enough money to take my son on a trip. I longed to have enough to pay all my bills. I longed for friends and love. I longed for adventure and excitement. They seem like perfectly normal desires.

Now I’m looking for more. A friend told me she’s struggling a bit because she doesn’t feel motivated. Work is hard when you don’t have energy. I understand completely because I’ve been in the same place for the last few weeks. So, why does it happen? I think in my case it’s because I’m longing for something else. As much as I appreciate all that I get through the organization and I really love my team, I’m done. I’m yearning to move on and do something that I never knew I wanted. It’s the strangest sensation. It’s about having a passion. [There’s a whole blog I want to write about passion - it’s been in “development” for two years and it’s changed direction multiple times.] I’ve never had a passion before. I’ve been passionate about my son, about topics, about my faith but I’ve never had something that I can hold onto. It’s so new to me that I think that’s part of what I yearn for. A chance to grab that passion and go for it.

There are certainly many things about summer that make me yearn for years gone by. Carefree days and nights. Events and activities that were only available during July and August. The freedom of being outside without heavy clothing and proper footwear - LOL. In adulthood, I’ve come to appreciate so many things about summer. The comfort of letting the air float around you or soaking up the sun while lying in a pool. The tangible feel of it. The scents from blooms sitting in the air during the heat of a summer night. The quick flash of fireflies as they flit across the yard. The silky caress of the pool’s water during a late night swim.

I’m still yearning but now, at the end of these mind wanderings, I’m grateful for each step on the path. More and more I’m discovering that what I yearn for the most is peace. Peace gives me the opportunity to relax, to think and to find myself. The world has become loud and unsettled. I long for the time to sit with my thoughts and watch the clouds pass by. We all need to take those moments. Breathe in the air. Soak up the sun. Listen to the birds. Smell the roses.

A new regular visitor to my yard who is a little too comfortable with people.

A splash of excitement from a Canada Day celebration.

A delightful surprise from my African violet. It hasn’t been happy of late and I’m thrilled that its new home is a good choice.