Still exhausted…
I thought when I retired that my energy level would immediately renew. Turns out I was wrong. I’ve been thinking about it and here are some of my thoughts around exhaustion (in addition to a blog from a few years ago). I should warn you at the start that the blog might be a little “jumpy”. My mind is a little “all over the place” these days and I expect it’s reflected in my thoughts here.
You can’t go from 100 to 0 without an impact to your system and when you’ve regularly been over 100? Even tougher.
Lately it seems like everyone is exhausted. I heard it from my colleagues before I retired and I hear it from everyone around me since.
My son likes to remind me that his normal workday is 12 hours long. He also runs a business on the side and is very active. Therefore he’s so much more tired than I am. That thought made me question my own exhaustion and whether I was whining. Those thoughts then took me done the path of parenthood.
My exhaustion, and all parents’ exhaustion, isn’t just from work. My last (almost) nine years have been as a manager at our head office. When I think of just those nine years and the number of hours I worked during them and my age (because with each passing year I’m a little more impacted by the number) it leads me to one word - cumulative. I didn’t work 8 hour days and nothing else. I had the commute each way. I had more than 8 hours of work each day. I had numerous weekends that saw me online and doing “a bit” at 6 o’clock in the morning. I took calls at all hours. If I was dealing with something from a different time zone, well, I could have been answering calls at suppertime. Basically, I was on my own and my identity was closely tied to my work. I also was active outside of work and for a number of those years had a pup at home to look after. I also had family nearby and spent as much time as possible in support of them (or just together having fun). Life was very busy and I’m not complaining about that.
Before I became a manager, before I even joined the company, I ran my own business. A couple of weeks into the business I found out I was pregnant. By the way, I worked very hard in that business and even on the day my water broke, put in a full day’s work.
Years later with a young child, I was a single parent and an operational employee. Those days included sleepless nights with a sick child. Late nights trying to figure out how to pay the bills. Wondering how I was going to make sure said child was able to join sports (holy cow, they can be expensive), participate in school events and so on. Now, to be honest, I was pretty good at taking advantage of special $2 Tuesdays at the bowling alley or finding free ticket concerts. But exhaustion builds when you’re working full-time and doing all the worrying for the household. It starts adding up when the babysitter doesn’t show on a Saturday morning and your job is the kind that doesn’t allow for late starts.
Being tired is just par for the course when you’re doing your best to be a parent who shows up. Doing your best to rearrange (when able) a work schedule so that you can contribute as a driver for your son and his friends, being part of parent council because you want your child to know they matter and that they have your attention and your time. Exhaustion happens when you finally make a holiday possible but you’re the one planning, packing and organizing and doing everything possible to ensure great memories for a lifetime. Thank goodness I can sleep on a plane! It’s overtime shifts and choosing to improve oneself, in my case by doing my master’s while doing all the rest.
Add all of this together and I guess I should be more understanding of myself. I chose to retire just as the Christmas season was underway. Where I got the idea that everything would suddenly be “easy” is questionable. This is a wonderful season but one that encourages us to put stress on ourselves. We want it to be “perfect” and yet the things that always stand out to me are the little hiccups. Those are the times that are fun and memorable. The lights that don’t quite match on the tree (a current annoyance to me) or the snow that looks so pretty but slows down your travel. Why do we do this to ourselves? In my case I don’t slow down well and I do like to be as “perfect” as possible but I’ll share this - I’ve gotten much better at accepting little blips along the way. I haven’t written my Christmas cards yet - quite late for me!
I hit one month of retirement yesterday. Many people have informed me it is probably going to take a few months to decompress. (Horror of horrors, the number six has been mentioned many times!) Oh no! I want and need to be doing and I’ve been trying my best. Writing, decorating, baking, ensuring my finances are sorted properly and the regular extras like appointments are all making my new schedule full. The most notable difference has been the lack of my work laptop when sitting in waiting rooms! I almost don’t know what to do with the book I take!
I don’t regret retiring when I did. It made sense. I was ready. I do admit, though, that allowing myself space for the exhaustion and related decompression and rejuvenation is a challenge.
Exhaustion isn’t a competition. If you’re tired and need the space to regroup, I wish you the opportunity. Some people may feel I have it easy, now. Trust me when I say my journey and the paths I’ve been on have created a cumulative exhaustion that I now must manage. All of us have challenges in our lives. At this time of year, it would be wonderful if we could extend kindness to each other. Lend a helping hand when able. A smile can make a difference to the parent in the store with the screaming child. They’re tired and they’re in the midst of it. A soft word of support can make all the difference to someone’s struggle. Maybe give the senior within your family or next door a helping hand when they’re putting out the garbage or taking their groceries to their car. I know my own exhaustion doesn’t seem as hard to carry when I can lift a bit of weight off someone else.
As we ramp up with less than three weeks to Christmas, I wish you the strength to take care of yourself. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, I wish you warmth in the darkness that comes as we head into the winter solstice. These days without light can be difficult. I wish you light and peace. My exhaustion will lift and I will find renewed energy to greet each day.
A few of my house decorations. They bring me joy and peace in the midst of this busy season.