Goodbyes…

This blog has changed a little since conception. First, I delayed it as I wanted to write a thank you to the Toronto Blue Jays. Second, as I was finishing it this morning, I realized it’s less about goodbyes and more about what retirement looks like so far. Think of it as blog in two parts.

I don’t “do” goodbyes very well. Even seeing my mom drive off after a weekend visit (or the reverse if I was at her place) is tough for me. I don’t have some underlying “oh it could be the last time” approach. My mind doesn’t work that way. Of course that’s always a possibility but…

I think goodbyes are hard because I treasure my time - my way of doing things, the solitary feel to my home, the way I think, even how I spend my time alone BUT when I have the people I love around me I hate to see them go. It’s an inner conflict that tears at me.

Right now I’m in a weird goodbye stage of life. A week and a half ago the place that I’ve called home for more than twenty-five years, was no longer “mine”. Some people might say, it’s just work. It’s  always been more than that for me. I put in so many hours, beyond the regular eight hour work day and cared so much that it became part of who I am. I started with the company as an operational air traffic controller. That’s an identity. As part of my Master’s degree I did some research on social identity theory and that job definitely qualifies. Even now I know at my core that there’s a controller inside. I understand the way they speak, how they think, their egos and their complaints. Even though I was a manager for almost nine years, I can still identify with that group.

I’ve spent almost half of my life with this company. It’s pulled at me in ways that are hard to explain. I’ve fought for my teams. I’ve stood up for them. And this past year and a half? Wow, I’ve been blessed to have a team filled with passionate experts. As much as a new adventure is exciting, I’m grieving the loss of those people.

During the COVID years I used to say that if I dropped dead, I would hope that the VP (as he was stepping over my lifeless body) would look down and say, “she was a good girl” before he carried on. No one is indispensable in this life. My team might have missed me for a moment but I’m sure they’ve already moved on. My replacement is going to be so much better than I. That’s the way it should be. We should always be improving - it’s a little tough on the ego but I’ll survive. I like him and am impressed with his energy but it didn’t make the goodbyes any easier.

I not only said goodbye to the people that I work with regularly but to the role and responsibilities. Maybe there’s a bit of saying goodbye to the control. I liked running my group. I liked the decision making. I really liked building my team up and letting them lead and drive decisions. There’s control in that, too.

So, goodbyes. Goodbye to the routine of each day. Goodbye to knowing what’s next, even if the new on the job was “new” chaos. Goodbye to being needed. Goodbye to being stressed. Goodbye to being exhausted.

Well, that’s what I thought. A lot of people, right before I was actually finished wanted to know what I had planned. That’s what we do. We plan. We plan our workday, our goals, our days off, our holidays. My mom once told me she’s never seen anyone more prepared for retirement than I. I’m good at planning and I knew what I was going to do from day one onward.

Here’s what actually happened. My first two days worked out exactly as I anticipated. I cleaned my house and got things put away and organized as I was hosting a joint girls get-together with another friend who retired a month before. It didn’t have a different feel to it. It was like being on leave, except that my son flew in to celebrate with me. Now that was a great treat. It was only twenty-six hours but we packed them with positive time together. He helped me with a few things (oh thank you so much!) and we had time to just hang out. It was a great first four days.

Then Monday came and I wasn’t online at 7 a.m... I wasn’t answering Teams messages or emails. Nobody was coming to me for information or support. After working long hours and often putting time in on the weekend, it was silent. BUT I had a plan. I just needed to start it. So I tried and I found it daunting. My plan? Start writing. Immediately. Problem was my writing space wasn’t quite set up. Okay, amendment to the plan. Get the space ready. I decided (with a lot of people’s voices in the back of my head) to give myself the week - take my time, get used to not having an alarm set and relax a bit.

Instead of jumping in head first to writing, I decided that since it was my normal “switch my clothing to fall and winter” time, I would get working on that. I wanted to set up my writing office (strangely the same place I worked from and yet, not conducive to creativity) in the way I want. Truth is, it wasn’t distracting but I always do better with clean and organized spaces and it had become a bit of a mess. Basically, I decided to “clean house” - sort, get rid of things, use the space in my house better.

I took a load to the dump yesterday - it was fantastic. (Strange thing to think of in that way, I suppose.) A way of getting rid of the stuff that was in my way. Before you think that I’m adding to the landfill, I’ll explain. I was given a gift of a new office chair by my mom so that cardboard box, taking up far too much room needed to be gone. My television had given up a few weeks ago and I discovered that our dump has an easy drop off for electronics so I got that out of the corner of my living room. I cleaned my cellar and wow, that was a little frightening! The dust and other “stuff” that was down there did go to the landfill but it was only a small bag. I even managed to move all the paint cans to a shelving unit in the cellar.

Now, looking back at the last week and what I think of as my first week of retirement, I can share what I’ve learned about myself and about the early days of a new adventure.

1. I earned this pension. It did not come easily. I’ve had a few people act like I’ve won a lottery. I have not. Every cent of this pension I earned. Did I get lucky choosing a company with a pension plan? Perhaps. But qualifying and deserving my spot was all on me. No one handed me anything.

2. I worked shorter years in this company than others and I’ve often felt that I should apologize for retiring when I did. I’m done with that. I’ve been working in some way since I was about ten years old. No, it wasn’t full time but once I was sixteen I worked during summers and after school. I worked throughout university. I put in long days and years before I chose to apply to this company. Every step I’ve taken has been on my own shoulders and where I am today is my success story, no one else’s.

3. As for the lottery idea. I’ve spent time this past week reducing my regular bills and monthly payments. I will live a less expensive lifestyle as my regular paycheque is a thing of the past now. I’m okay with that, otherwise I wouldn’t have retired. I am a one income household - all of it is on me so my choice to retire when I could was with awareness of what changes would need to be made.

4. My brain works overtime. I am still exhausted. I am still stressed. It didn’t go away overnight. I don’t know why I thought it would but… My brain needs time to re-energize. That’s the one thing I didn’t think of.

5. I miss the adrenalin of my day to day work life. As tired as I was, it kept me going. Maybe there’s some ego attached to that, as well. I was needed. People wanted answers from me or support or connection. In a lot of ways, I’m okay that is done. However, just to stroke my ego a bit I did get some messages from my replacement that included a question or two (I just didn’t have enough time to thoroughly train him) and from a team member. Whether they actually needed me or not, it was nice to be asked. That connection will fade and that will be okay.

6. I thought I could just jump into the next thing. Recognizing that it wasn’t possible was really hard. Realizing that a break was required was tough. I’m hoping the break is short.

7. I also thought I would go straight into behaving healthily. Well, that hasn’t happened. I thought I’d just be able to change my habits and behaviour. Again, it wasn’t a quick transformation. I’ll get there. I just have to believe in myself.

It hasn’t been an easy week, although I didn’t sit at home and feel sorry for myself. I had events to attend, appointments to keep and chores to complete. I know myself well enough to know that sitting around will never be me. I’m coming to accept that a little bit of slow time isn’t the worse thing in the world. My fear, and it’s huge in my body right now, is to slow down too much. Becoming lazy is scary. I don’t want that lifestyle.

I slept in this morning until 7 a.m. It was a surprise. Sometimes on weekends it would happen and I would awaken with a fear that it would keep me from getting to sleep at a good time before Monday morning. Another surprise was realizing that I can sleep past 5 a.m. tomorrow and still get everything done. I can stay up late (for me) and watch the Grey Cup and not have to give up sleep. At the beginning of my career, I worked shift work. It was a different schedule to live on and one that worked for me as a single mom. My management time was a Monday to Friday set up and with the work from home world of COVID, I was up extra early and online an hour before my normal. My work days became longer and weekends were packed with everything I needed to complete before starting the whole thing over on Monday morning. That’s what I didn’t miss this past week. I didn’t set alarms but my body is so used to being up early it didn’t matter - it awakened on its own.

Next week? I’m going to continue to let my body set the pace. I’m still going to have to-do lists - that’s just me. My writing office is looking pretty sweet and I’m planning to start that regular routine. I didn’t really like last week but this coming week I’m going to make strides to do what I want. That’s what retirement is about, isn’t it?

I enjoyed an opportunity to make spaghetti sauce from scratch…

…and Guinness beef stew, also from scratch.

Setting up storage for paint cans in the cellar. As I’ve written in the past, my cellar can get wet in the spring - this is at the highest point and the bottom shelf will not be used. Fingers crossed this works out!

There is storage space in the cellar that has gone unused. These bins are raised well off the gravel floor. I’m hopeful this will prove to be a good use of space.

A gift from my sister and much appreciated during a mid-week evening break after a lot of cellar cleaning time!