Parenting…

In a couple of days my son turns 30 years old. His birthday always takes me back, usually to the circumstances of his birth. My due date was a Friday and at 8 a.m. my water broke. I was enjoying a little sleep in and when it hit, I hit the ground running and made it to the washroom without delay! My husband and I had a catering company and we were booked with a big party on the Sunday. I’d made arrangements for servers as there was no way I was in any condition (I was as big as a cow!) to be serving or clearing plates, etc. However, on the Friday we had arranged a lot of “pre-orders” to be covered in case we were busy on Saturday. I made it very clear to my doctor that Friday and Saturday were fine days for delivery but Sunday wouldn’t work. My doctor made it clear to me that’s not how it works. Anyway, long story short, by 3 a.m. on Saturday morning we were at the hospital and baby boy was born at 4 p.m.

That’s my normal thought process when his birthday comes around. This year my brain has also travelled down another path. A broader path. One that considers parenting as children become adults. Now, my son is an adult. As I said, he’s turning 30. He’s lived away from home for over 12 years now. First, off to school and then into work. We have a special closeness, one that I put down to being a single parent. It was just the two of us for years and while it wasn’t easy, it did connect us in a special way. We touch base every day. Maybe just a quick text saying hi or sometimes a chat while one of us has a few free minutes. I don’t know everything in his life, as it should be, and he doesn’t know everything in mine, but we do have a special bond.

For most parents parenting is the hardest thing we’ll ever do and it’s the one with the greatest joys and blessings. It’s the epitome of “both sides of the coin”. There are plenty of parenting self-help books but the reality is we have to figure it out on our own. And we’ll make mistakes. Tons of mistakes. We learn from our own parents - try to take the good and remove the bad, because they, too, made mistakes. We try to make love the basis for everything. We get angry, frustrated, hurt and we laugh, smile, cry and love.

Our children have grown up in a world far different than the one we had and the one their grandparents had. The internet has been a tool for learning, for distraction and for destruction. People can get bad information, encounter horrors but also find out about the far reaches of their world in a way not available to me as a child. Our kids have to navigate all of that, almost on their own. They’re the ones who have been immersed since childhood and they know their way better than we do.

I find being a parent, even if the child is an adult, such a challenge some days. There had to be times when I was younger that I thought I knew more than my parents - I think that’s to be expected. By the time we’re in our late teens and early 20’s we have an arrogance about the world. But now, with the information readily available in a split second, I think my son’s generation and the ones that follow, need critical thinking skills and the ability to weed out the bad, more than ever.

Recently I heard of a son who “lost it” on his mother. Blamed her for everything that he sees as a problem or failure in his life. It really caused me to stop and think about my own relationship with my son. I believe he thinks he knows far more about life than I do. No question. I know he thinks some of my approaches (news channels, newspapers, belief in education and professionals) is misplaced trust. I also know he trusts me. So while he might not “buy in” to the establishment the way he feels I do, at least he still talks with me and bounces ideas off me. He still reaches out to ask my opinion and I think that’s the greatest gift of all. So, what about the son who “lost it”? How do we bridge the divide that can open? How do we remain parents even when they are grown and away from home?

How do we reach our adult kids in a world that tells them they don’t need previous generations’ learning, experience and understanding of the world? I get angry sometimes at the things I hear from people in their 20’s. With their presumed “knowledge”, I honestly don’t think they have a clue about a lot of what’s going on and yet they are expected to have opinions and to act on them. Without embracing the need for historical context how can they truly navigate this world? I worry that if they don’t take the time and respect to interact and learn from their grandparents and yes, their parents, they are going to be lost.

I was talking with my neighbour yesterday and we were reminiscing about our youth. We grew up in completely different areas of the country and in different situations. He grew up in a small city, I grew up in a very rural town. Looking back I felt like I couldn’t get away with anything but in a way that made it safe. If everyone knew your parents it meant someone was looking out for you. Your curfew might be when the street lights came on - there were no cell phones when I was a kid. There had to be trust that you would do the right thing and get home, at least close to “on time”. We were not perfect - lots of things happened over those years of childhood that weren’t ideal. Lessons could be learned in a very hard way but we weren’t bubble wrapped. We fell off bikes, had fights with other kids, said bad things, had to find a way to work things out and on and on.

I look at my son and I think I did a decent job of raising him. I was far from right all the time. I made lots of mistakes. I leaned on my parents - who were awesome grandparents and always there for him. I leaned on my friends and my friends’ husbands who stepped in and made sure he had nearby male role models. (He had his own dad but we lived in different areas of the country.) He had extra grandparents through my friends’ parents and in-laws. They say it takes a village and I think my village can never be thanked enough.

My son is not perfect. No one is. I hope he appreciates that I know I made mistakes. I don’t think I have to apologize for them because I did my best. I did everything in my power to make sure he got to try what he wanted to try, that he had a roof over his head and food in his tummy and that he had love.

Children, no matter their age, can never fully understand what we go through as parents. I think they get a sense of it when they become parents themselves but the world is different and so their experiences will be different. I spent many nights lying awake trying to figure out how to fix something I’d done or how to pay the bills so that he could play hockey or how to make sure he understood the importance of gratitude. There is no perfect parent on this earth only people doing their best day in and day out.

My wish for parents is that one day you will get the call that I got. “Thanks, Mom. I realize how hard you tried to make sure I grew up having some fun along with everything I needed. I really appreciate all that you did for me.” Happy 30th birthday to my son - my challenge, pride and joy.

A fall welcome.

My fall dining table - you can’t see it but the tray has fall leaves covering the base.

My fall kitchen.