Inadequate?
I’m going to start this blog by saying it’s not intended to be a negative reading experience. I believe it will be uplifting. At least I hope so.
Adequate as defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, is “sufficient for a specific need or requirement”. Not exactly a word depicting high praise. So, if I consider the word, ‘inadequate’, it’s quite a lowly description. If something isn’t even “good enough” then it’s pretty sad, isn’t it?
I have been attending the second edition of The St. Lawrence Writers’ Festival in Brockville, Ontario. Last year, the inaugural year, I was still working long hours and dreaming of retirement, still two months away. It meant that I couldn’t attend all the workshops or sessions but I did have the pleasure of being one of six ‘budding writers’ to have a one-on-one meeting with a professional editor. I submitted the first 5000 words of my novel along with a synopsis a month prior and awaited his review with some trepidation. That hour was brilliant and eye-opening. He didn’t like my prologue and was impressed with the rest of the beginning of my manuscript. As the author whose words were being critiqued I will admit it took me a while to accept his suggestion about the prologue - but I did and it’s so much better now.
Anyway, fast forward to this year. I’ve completed my novel, or so I thought. Two days before the Writers’ Festival, I attended an event at a neighbouring library with an author discussing, “A Writer’s Process”. The writer was one of the authors at both last year’s event and this year’s. I got the opportunity to speak to her for a few minutes on the Tuesday evening and she gave me some very valuable advice which led me to understand I still have some work to do before I can start looking for an agent. So, I went into this year’s festival a step back from where I thought I’d be and looking for something to help me on my way. This blog is about my experience.
On the opening night, after the welcome, the first author’s panel introduced me to Waubgeshig Rice, who grew up in Wasauksing First Nation on Georgian Bay. He was discussing his novel, Moon of the Turning Leaves. Each author in a panel is introduced and some of his/her accomplishments are shared. Waub, as he was called, has a Journalism Degree, an honorary Doctorate of Letters, was with the CBC (and I discovered we have a friend in common) and is a black belt, has another novel coming out in 2027 and so on. Wow. If you’re me, you sit there stunned. The next panel included Terry Fallis (who attended last year and whose novel, A New Season, is near the top of my To Be Read pile) and Wayne Johnston who is soon to be added to my TBR pile. Between them they hold countless awards and honours, have held positions in education and continue to write and enthrall readers.
That was only the first night! Friday and Saturday provided ten more authors’ panels and let me explain. A panel is not just the author or authors. The moderators are authors and accomplished members of the writers’ community in Canada, as well. The attendees are readers, authors and budding authors soaking up every word. The author I met earlier in the week recognized and spoke with me - very gracious of her! We discussed the information/advice she had shared and I told her I was already working to improve the manuscript. She checked in with me the next day to continue the conversation and invite me to remain connected!
There is nothing like sitting in an audience, listening to accomplished, successful members of a community which you want to join and wondering if you have a right to membership. This past weekend isn’t my only experience with this subject and I’ve seen it in many shapes over the years.
Twenty-seven years ago I was being tested and interviewed for an opportunity to train in air traffic control. I didn’t know then but I learned quickly that it was considered an elite ‘brotherhood’ and that you had to earn your way in. Hardest thing I’ve ever done but I did succeed. If I go back even further I can see myself in high school enjoying sports and joining teams and trying out and wanting to belong but never really being part of that group. Was I inadequate? Oh, definitely.
I worked many years at different jobs, attended university and loved the act of learning and never really found my place. Was I adequate? In some places, yes. Was I inadequate? Sometimes, yes, and I count those failures among the lessons learned that took me down other paths. Did I ever aspire to adequacy? Never. I’ve always wanted to be extraordinary but not in the limelight. Did I achieve inadequacy? Many, many times and over various areas of my life. I thought with time and perhaps some learned wisdom that I was beyond that, ‘better’ than that. I discovered this past week it isn’t true. I can still sit and marvel at someone else’s achievements in a positive, engaged way without letting it reflect on me but I can also sit in a hall and wonder what I’m doing there. Maybe I don’t belong. Maybe I’m not good enough.
I think we all have areas where we’re happy to be ‘adequate’. We’re observers, perhaps, and don’t need to lead a group; we’re only needed to be a conduit of the information. We don’t need to excel to achieve that task. We’ve all seen those people who are not good enough and create chaos around them. What I’ve reflected on has been the notion of whether they need to be good enough everywhere. Do I?
My response has been, yes. If I’m going to engage and participate in something, anything, I need to be adequate at the very least. I cannot be unable to contribute meaningfully. All my life I’ve done my best to learn enough to achieve what I’ve needed to and accept where I should step back and let others take the lead.
Sitting in a room surrounded by successful authors and listening to all that they have done, continue to do, awards they’ve won or been short and long-listed for, has been far more difficult than I envisioned. Talk ‘inadequate’; yes, that’s how I felt.
When it comes to authors and writing, I feel like I’ve been behind the eight-ball from the start. Most that I’ve met or listened to have wanted to do this all of their lives. I have not. Most are juggling full-time careers along with writing on the side. I have not and am not. Most can speak knowledgeably on the topic of writing, the technical aspects of writing and the process toward publication. I cannot. What a humbling experience this year’s festival has been. Sometimes I felt old, unsure, unworthy and at those times I tried to remind myself that with each panel, each opportunity to speak with someone, each time I learned something I was becoming better.
I spent a full day yesterday at the festival and on the drive home had multiple words and books and people’s voices bouncing around in my head. By the time I pulled into my driveway I knew I was going to write this blog. Why? Because I am not inadequate. I am learning. The most important person that believes in me is me. Yes, I have more steps to go than I realized,. That’s okay. I’ve learned enough to take them. No, I do not have multiple jobs on the go that all contribute to this career. That’s okay. I’ve worked the majority of my life and have now built a foundation from which to write. I am more than adequate when it comes to writing. I’ve received honest feedback and I’ve used it. I listen to critique. I use that information to edit where necessary to make a book that will grab readers’ attention.
I am not perfect - who wants to be? I am not adequate - I am more than that, always learning and growing and improving. I am not inadequate. I am always striving to be who and what I am meant to be - as long as I don’t stop, I’ll never be inadequate.
What I’m reading this week
Given that I’ve been introduced to some brilliant authors and their intriguing works, I’ve decided to focus on a few that I’m adding to my TBR list. [First, let me share that I did buy one fiction and one non-fiction book at the festival and am not including them as they will feature in future blogs.]
Donna Morrisey - Tell It to the Water
Why? She reads her work with such passion that you become swept up in the words, forgetting you’re sitting in an audience, surrounded by others. This work is a memoir of her father. [I started to write more but I don’t want to tell too much - go find it at your library or bookstore.]
Kim Fahner - The Pollination Field
Why? Well, this one is interesting. I’m not a big reader of poetry but she shared a few from this book and they were compelling - the story behind them and the connection with bees and nature were gripping.
Dennis Bock - Strangers at the Red Door (and The Good German - not discussed but I read the book sleeve and am intrigued)
Why? He explained in the panel that he took an event he viewed while in China and turned it into this story. When he read from the book I found myself wanting more - keep reading!
Wayne Johnston - The Novice of Holloway Hall
Why? He has taken snippets from his childhood, created a location based on a real house and turned it into a mesmerizing story covering so many facets of life that I can’t wait to start reading.
There were many more authors and books that I would love to read but I have to accept that there are only so many hours in each day and I want to get my own novel published! I am looking forward to trying to get through them all, though!
I love how soup making always seems to accompany the change from summer to fall!