I wouldn’t be me without…

Something happened recently that took me down a path of memories from long ago and best forgotten. Of course, the truth is, a memory is never truly forgotten (unless dealing with medical issues); they may be pushed to the back of consciousness or we may try to forget. Those experiences, events and feelings are what make us who we are today, in this moment, always changing, always (hopefully) improving.

When I look back on my life, which I’ve done throughout it, I’ve never had a problem acknowledging that I am who I am because of everything I’ve done or seen or experienced. All the good things, all the bad things have made me who I am and I wouldn’t be the same person otherwise.

This recent event reminded me of a time in my life when I was pushed to do something I didn’t want to do. I was young and influenced by someone else, someone older. I decided to write my blog about some of the highlights of my life that made me who I am. There are only a few - if I wrote it all, I’d never get it finished!

When I started out as a single mom I didn’t have an extra penny available. I would stay up late at night wondering which bill could be missed that month so that another one could be paid. I remember the feeling of sitting on the couch, my son tucked into bed, a floor lamp the only light on as I looked at my bills. They were neatly piled in their envelopes and I had a notepad with my expected paycheque amounts and I was deducting all my costs. A feeling of panic often built within my chest but I worked hard to keep it from getting loose. I think overall, I did a pretty good job getting through that phase of life. Eventually, I made more money, got out from the overwhelming aspects of overdue bills and made a pretty good life. I was able to buy a house at a time when a downpayment wasn’t required. I never thought my son and I would have our own home but we did and I think it was due to hard work, tons of support and a lot of luck. I didn’t live through the Great Depression but my tough times definitely gave me a foundation to budget for life. Knowing how to live without is a great thing when tough times return.

Training for a career in air traffic control is the hardest thing, even including the money situation outlined above, that I’ve ever lived. Some people are the right combination of brains, study habits, personality and resilience and make it through relatively smoothly. I was not. I had the brains and the study habits. I didn’t have the personality and resilience that would have made it a good ride. I was quiet and easily intimidated. I also had this belief in fair play. Silly me. Anyway, at one point in my career I chose to apply for what we call IFR control. (Without spending a lot of time explaining the difference between VFR and IFR, know that it’s a different type of control and IFR controllers don’t work in a tower.) Due to some issues at home I had to withdraw from the regional school portion my first time around. I was allowed to return, which I did, and continued training. I have no problem sharing that it was a horrific experience. However, it led to something brilliant. When I didn’t qualify as an IFR controller, it opened up time for me to pursue something else. I chose to do my Master’s degree in Conflict Analysis and Management. I can honestly say I don’t know if I would have gained my Master’s without the failure of my IFR training. I appreciate my schooling more than anything else and while I would have made a lot more money in the IFR world, I gained things far more important instead. People who are passionate, intelligent, committed individuals. People who put others first, who strive to understand conflict and improve the lives of others. I’m proud to count myself a member of our MACAM cohort.

Leaving my air traffic control job to join our management staff at head office was a huge risk. I gave up all the extra money that comes from overtime, etc. and I started working Monday to Friday. At first, it was hard. I was used to having at least three days off at a time (but working five or six without overtime) and going to weekends off was an adjustment. I met new people which was amazing. When you work in an environment built around a small group of people you can miss new and interesting interactions with others. Definitely a positive at head office. Also, I learned so much about the whole of our company instead of my previously small role within it. I made some incredible friends - friends who are still in my life, even in retirement. Being a lifelong learner, the amount I learned once I stepped out of the operation is still overwhelming. It’s too bad the operators don’t know more about what happens to allow them to do their jobs. The only regret I might ever have about moving into management is saying good bye to the money I could have made. I don’t need to be rich, so that’s not much of a regret.

I value peace and quiet. There are times I crave aloneness. I’m desperate to lock myself into my home and yard and stay away from everyone. I’m not like this a lot - most often, it’s after time surrounded by people. Last weekend I was at my mom’s, helping with a barbecue she hosted for my stepfamily. My mom was significantly younger than my stepfather so that family is considerably older than my sister and I. And of course, they’re different than us. It was a full house with lots of chatter and food and movement. We lucked out with good weather and I found that people formed three groups. In an effort to help my mom, my sister and I tried to move around the groups and make sure everyone was happy. I wanted my mom to relax and enjoy but she, too, was busy hosting. I came home and soaked up the quiet, the time alone. But only two days later my mom and niece arrived and life got loud once again. Cannonballs into the pool, walks around the village, time with anime movies, it all collided in my small space. The minute they left, silence descended. Without their visit, without the time spent with stepfamily I’m just a single woman. Because of family, I’m a grateful, busy person. I can move between the worlds of noise and peace easily. I don’t think I would be who I am without all of what surrounds me. It can work in the negative, too. If your experience with family is horrible then perhaps you’ll be a person who lives in solitude or someone who uses friends as their family. Maybe you’ll be someone who doesn’t want to have a family because of what you’ve experienced. In my case, I think I have the best of both worlds and am who I am because of it.

I can look back on my life and focus on the bad. I believe bad happens to all of us at some point. I guess it’s how we view it and what weight we give it that determines how it impacts us. I prefer to look back on the positives. If I did something wrong, did I make it right? Did I learn from it and choose not to do it again? If something wrong was done to me, did I let it weigh me down and turn me into someone who lives with bitterness? Did I use it to make sure I wasn’t open to that again? Did I build up my resilience? Did I walk away from the bad and look for the good?

I wouldn’t be me without my parents, their good parts and their not-so-good; without their parents and their parents and so on. But I’m more than my ancestors. I’ve learned and grown and tried out new things for myself. I stay open to finding good everywhere. Maybe it’s not there, but I keep looking. I wouldn’t be me without my son. I can’t imagine being mom to a different child. This one is the child that taught me to find patience (not always) and to try harder (always) and to pray more (every day). I wouldn’t be me without the friends I’ve had along my journey. Some were there for decades, some are new. I’m me because I listen to them, learn from them and accept their love. I wouldn’t be me without developing relationships, making choices and being open to more. More life, more love, more experiences. I am me and I wouldn’t be me without everything I’ve lived through thus far.

What I’m reading this week

This summer we’ve had a lot of active weather. Thunderstorms that have blown through at all hours of the day and night. It can make it hard to commit to an afternoon of anything! I’ve been trying to do my normal summer yard work and have taken to doing what I can and running for the house when the storms arrive. Because of that, I’ve been reading a ton. My current book is written by a Canadian writer, Bobbi French and it’s brilliant. It takes place in Newfoundland and deals with some tough subjects. Surprisingly, I’ve read quite a few “heavy” books this summer. Normally, I prefer my summer reading to be light and easy. I suggest you consider picking up, The Good Women of Safe Harbour. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

It’s a great book with brilliant writing.

I love kayaking and the peace it brings.

I had a huge hibiscus bloom this week!

For my niece’s birthday, we went to the Brockville Aquatarium. If you’re in Eastern Ontario, check it out. While small, the staff are great at explaining the animals in their care. We loved the otters!