Support…

There are all kinds of support. Some are physical like socks, bras, neoprene braces, etc. Another support is intangible and that’s what this blog is about. As always, keep in mind these are my thoughts. I am not telling you how to live. Hopefully, I’m giving to you an opportunity to ponder.

Giving and Needing

I don’t think I often hear or see these two words together, Giving and receiving, yes. When we think about Christmas, giving and receiving is often a two-way exchange of gifts, baked goods, and experiences. But needing? It seems to me that I use that word when referring to “others”. Those who are the unfortunate in our society. Those who rely on food banks or nonprofit agencies to ensure they have a bed to sleep in and a meal in their stomach. I do my best to donate to those agencies who are doing the tough work day in and day out. And often, while the need seems the greatest at Christmastime, it’s there every day of the year.

I also think of need as a small moment in my life. “Oh, I need a day off.” “I can’t wait for holidays. I need a break.” “I really need a massage. My shoulders are killing me.” I don’t think of it in a substantive way - I have enough food, I have a roof over my head, I have heat and water. I have a lot of luxuries in life, too. When I think of someone else “needing”, I tend to think of the big needs.

I give time to my friends. I am happy to be a pair of ears if a friend needs to vent. I have one friend who will call to release her frustration and by the end we’ve both shared and talked our way through difficult scenarios. It’s not often that we approach things the same way, which is great because it gives me a different perspective. When we share it gives me a chance to remove some of the burden of my day or week. It creates space inside me for the good so that I’m not only filled with the negative.

I try to give where and when I can. I have my “favourite” charities that I give to on a regular basis. For each of them there is a personal reason for my support. I never feel I have to explain my reasons. In fact, I rarely speak about supporting charities, unless I’m reaching out to ask for help with an initiative, like the Coldest Night of the Year walk. I will share that on my social media and ask that those who wish donate what they can. A long time ago, I had no issue speaking about my volunteer work or the charities that are my favourites. However, I had a colleague talk to me about my selfishness and that put an end to my sharing. [It was a long time ago but it’s always stuck with me. His opinion was that I am a selfish person for giving to charities, whether with time or money. I only did it to make myself feel better, was how he phrased it and it just meant that I stopped talking about it. Oh, and let me be clear. I didn’t sit at work praising myself for whatever it was I was doing. It would come up in different ways - I couldn’t work an overtime shift on a certain day because my son and I were volunteering at a soup kitchen. I would ask if anyone wanted to donate together to purchase a World Vision gift at Christmastime. Those sorts of things. I no longer ask and I primarily keep it to myself, now.] Anyway, charitable giving is always out there and we know the needs of the people in receipt.

I give what I can to family. I will always give to my son whatever I can. He knows it and does his best not to ask for support. I raised an independent person. Sometimes, though, the need is great and he will reach out. I have no issue with that. It’s part of being a parent. And giving to family is part of being a member. There are times though, when giving isn’t possible. It’s recognizing that sometimes you just don’t have it to give. It’s realizing that sometimes you have your own needs and they must be met. Babies and very young toddlers don’t know the difference between needs and wants. If you’re a parent, you might remember those times when you were out shopping and your little one had to have something. Before they became reasoning people, they could not distinguish between what they wanted and what they needed. We would try to explain why they couldn’t have whatever it was but if they felt it strongly enough you could count on a tantrum to voice their displeasure with your decision. Well, as an adult I am supposed to know the difference between want and need. I am supposed to understand that wants are “nice to haves” and needs are “essentials”. I am supposed to realize that if I don’t meet my needs it’s going to be difficult to be a contributing member of society.

This last week I wasn’t well. I very rarely get truly ill. When it happens, it’s a shock and I’m not a good patient. I’m pretty much a whiner. When I had COVID in February, I was insulted. I don’t get sick so how dare I catch COVID!! But this past week, something was definitely “off” or “wrong” with me. I tried to take a day off and it didn’t happen and I ended up putting in a full day of work. [No, I don’t think I’m indispensable, honestly.] My body was telling me it needed to be taken care of. It was pointing out that it was in some sort of distress. I didn’t listen to it. Not really. I needed support. I find it very difficult to ask for support. I think a lot of people have a difficult time with recognizing support as a need. The strong people I know often do not reach out. Small times, like when a friend wants to vent about something but not for the big things. The times when the need is the greatest.

And that’s what I’m talking about when I write, “giving and needing”. The people I want in my life are pretty good about giving in whatever way they can. Recognizing their own need is a harder thing. I often see it as a sign of weakness and although I’m actively working to improve that aspect of me, it’s not easy to change. I don’t know if everyone sees it that way and let me say, I think that perception is wrong. I think you have to be incredibly strong to know and support your own needs. I believe you have to be filled with self-confidence to reach out when you need help. So, I guess the weakness is not accepting that asking for help takes strength. I will continue to work on that.

At Christmas especially, I spend tons of energy trying to be perfect for everyone else. As I’ve said many times, I’m Catholic and happy in my faith and religion. I believe the first Christmas, [even if 25 December isn’t accurate, it doesn’t truly matter] is what I should remember at this season. Jesus was born in a stable. He was laid in a manger. Wise men and shepherds sought Him. A stable. A manger. No matter how we depict that scene, you can’t think it was a clean and bright place. He and His parents were surrounded by animals and filth. That is how He came into our world. So, my need to create perfection is kind of crazy. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m not going to decorate or do my best to have a beautiful home. It means that I’m going to try my best to remember the reason I’m doing it and try to lessen the pressure I’m putting on myself. I get joy from the decorations I put up and the gifts that I give. I feel good when I look around and love what I see. I know myself well enough to know that those feelings are essential to me. I need this around me.

One of the toughest things for me to do is be clear about my own needs. I have responsibilities and don’t ever want to let anyone down. As I reflect on the past week and the reality of a birth in a stable and manger, I think about the gifts that I’ve been given. I was given this life with a soul, a heart, a brain, and a body. If I don’t take care of those gifts then I’ve wasted my life. I haven’t been taking enough care of my gifts. These are my basic needs. Eat well and healthy. Love and not hate. Learn, read, and ask questions. Move and be active. Pray and embrace what God has given. Recognizing this is only one step. I have to act on it.

I love the trappings. I love baking for Christmas. I love dropping off all my goods after days of baking for our church bake sale [I always wonder why I sign up when I’m in the midst of the work, though!]. I love decorating. I even enjoy hosting people. I like cooking for others. I like having a special meal to celebrate the season. It makes me feel warm and comfortable. I love being wrapped into my house and looking out on a peaceful village. I love planning my presents to others. I don’t have to give any of that up. I just have to accept that sometimes my own needs are critical and I have to be strong enough to ask for help when I need it.

Our company believes that we all need to be recognized for our years of work. This “growing” series of plaques arrived in my mail this week. This is a new way that the company has decided to say thank you and I think it’s great!

As I shared a few weeks ago, my neighbour helped me and we got my new lamppost installed. We had a bit of snow recently and I thought the picture was too pretty to not share!

Not a need, definitely a want! I love big mugs for my tea in the morning and I couldn’t resist this one.

The first of my decorations! The gnome on the left is a new addition - a gift from my mom. On the right is the first of the lit decorations that I have. It adds so much warmth in this season of early night.