Panic released…

I’ve been trying to write this blog for over a week. We’ve had good weather, ideal for swimming and that was my first excuse for not publishing last weekend. The next day that I was going to publish was the day I finished the full review of my novel and sent it out to my early readers. The next day I was actually doing some contract work and didn’t get it done. Then, yesterday. I should have sat down and completed it BUT I went shopping and then watched the Canada FIFA game. So here I am and it’s now four days later. This morning, since the novel is “out with others”, I decided to pick up another book I’m working on. I spent the morning reintroducing myself to the characters and getting it ready for diving into. Now it’s afternoon and I could easily be outside in my pool, finishing the mowing of my lawn or doing yard work. Lots and lots of yard work awaits me. Instead, I’ve made my way back up to my office and I am going to get this blog published.

What I didn’t say above is the blog is difficult for me. Very. In fact, I’m not sure that I should be writing a blog - do you really care about an issue that is very personal? The question I have is, when it’s this personal, perhaps it belongs in a journal entry and not the blog. There are two reasons I have chosen to follow through with the blog. One, it’s cathartic to share experiences, good and bad with people and two, there may be other people who are going through struggles that feel individual who can benefit from knowing we can make it.

The final “intro” piece I want to add is this: if you don’t believe in God, give the blog a chance. I have some very dear friends who do not believe that God exists. One of the things I love most about them is their willingness to ask me questions. Not to confront me, not to force me to defend my beliefs but to sincerely ask the how’s or why’s behind them. I am not a missionary. I do not try to get anyone to “buy” my belief. It’s not who I am. I am happy to share if asked but I normally go about my business. I don’t hide that I’m a Roman Catholic or that I attend mass weekly. I also won’t invite you to attend with me unless you happen to be visiting me and I would consider it rude to leave without providing the invitation. In the past, I have said to a best friend that she may find comfort in God but it wasn’t a, “go to the Catholic Church and you will find,” kind of comment.

The last few months I’ve been experiencing panic attacks. Now, these attacks aren’t keeping me from getting my work done or going places or seeing people. They are, however, impacting my mental health. My preference is to stay home. No matter what the event, I would prefer to not leave my house. I saw a video interview with a doctor recently that talked about the longterm effects of the COVID years. In the interview she explained that we have more anxiety in the world today due to the impact of the lockdowns. I’ve been quite open about the fact that being forced into an introvert-style situation was great for me. I regained my personal peace and didn’t feel the need to be surrounded by others. I also explained how anxious I became at the idea of returning to work.

I did return, but only in the neighbourhood of a day per week before I retired. It suited me beautifully. I worked much better at home - got more done and felt more in control. There was another aspect, though, that I think is equally important. I worked, on a regular basis, much more than an eight hour day. Prior to COVID, I tried to keep eight hours for working because I had a commute (and a dog at home) and I enjoyed the hours outside of work more. During and immediately following COVID, I can honestly say that part of living was missing.

Okay, back to the panic attacks. I don’t know why they started. I don’t care for them. I think it’s probably pretty insulting to not want to meet up or visit with family or friends simply because I don’t want to leave home. I can admit, though, that once I’m there (wherever that may be), I’m fine. I have a good time, I enjoy myself and I don’t have any anxiety. Last week I was in the city for an event and met up with a friend beforehand. From the night before, almost until I arrived at the coffee shop, my heart was racing and I was wishing I hadn’t agreed to attend. Either thing - the coffee shop visit and the orchestra rehearsal. I wanted to see my friend and I love the orchestra but in the hours leading up, I couldn’t seem to calm my mind. The worse part? I’m not sure what I was worried about. The drive? I’ve done it for years. Being alone? Well, I wasn’t exactly alone as the arts centre had plenty of patrons who attended the rehearsal and I was with a friend at the coffee shop. The cost? I don’t have tons of money but I can afford to do those two things. If I couldn’t, I wouldn’t go. So, what is it? What causes that horror inside me?

Because it is a horror for me. This past week when I finished the first full review of the novel, I had a similar attack before sending it to the early readers. Why? Well, this one is easier for me to answer. What if they don’t like it? What if they’re ‘polite’ and give me a bland response? What if they think it doesn’t have enough? What if they do like it? I understood that panic. I’ve put everything into the book for the last six months. This panic makes sense to me. The leaving home panic? Not at all.

By now, you’re probably wondering what this blog is really about. I know I’m not the only one in the world to experience anxiety. As I wrote earlier, doctors know we have far more of it in the world now than before the pandemic. It’s not just a mental health issue for some. Almost everyone is impacted in some way by anxiety.

Last weekend at church, the priest talked about fear. Apropos, right? I’ve heard this message before but I guess it’s never hit home like it did on the weekend. Why do we carry fear? Why do we go to mass, proclaim a belief in God and then carry the weight of fear, letting it sink us into the ground?

If I truly believe in God, then I need to release my fear to Him. This is easier said than done. I like control. Aren’t we told that day in and day out? ‘Take control of your whatever!’ ‘You are in control of your feelings.’ ‘Only you have the power to control your reaction to whatever or whoever.’ Control. It’s a very difficult thing to give up. And yet…

The priest is right. If I believe in God and I believe in His mercy, then I should be letting go. I remember another priest years ago who said when you go to bed at night, you should tell God that you are leaving all of your worries with Him. Then you can sleep in peace.

I’ve been trying that this week. Trying to release the panicked heartbeats, the constriction of my throat, the racing pulse. I’ve been trying to let go of the need to control everything. I can’t control other people. I can’t control the world outside of my door. I can only do my best, give my best. It’s a work in progress, but this week I’m dedicated to letting God take over the weight of my fears.

What I’m reading this week.

I don’t generally get through a whole book in a week and I usually have anywhere from four to six books on the go at any given time. I’m sharing this week’s book because it’s got just the right amount of magic. I love bookstores, libraries, anywhere that has tons of books including my own sitting room. This book takes three people on a journey to improve their lives through the lessons in the pages of books. “The Midnight Bookshop” by Amanda James. Enjoy!

I expect to finish this by the weekend! Very enjoyable.

Visitors to my yard this week. The chipmunk was having a nap! I got really close and it didn’t move, just kept snoring away. “My” bunny comes by late afternoon or early morning and snacks on the clover available throughout my yard.