Fair…

As a child I often heard the phrase, “life’s not fair”. I think it was generally meant as a warning to stop complaining and whining about anything. As a parent, I’m sure I also passed on that message. While it was said offhandedly and perhaps with some flippancy the truth is, life isn’t fair. I don’t know if it can ever be fair. And maybe it’s time we accepted that and moved on.

According to Oxford, fair is impartial and just, without favouritism or discrimination. Now, I hope we are improving upon the discrimination part of the definition. But is life ever going to grant us impartiality? Oh yes, I think people work towards ensuring justice is met. But favouritism? At the core of it, we’re human and with humanity comes subjectivity. We can try to reduce or eliminate it in lots of areas of life but I don’t think we’ll ever be without it. And maybe we shouldn’t. Perhaps favouritism allows us to give second chances to those who have failed in the past?

Before I go much further, I must say I’ve argued with myself all week about this blog. I’ve got my notes and I’ve pseudo-written it in my head but today is St. Patrick’s Day! Shouldn’t I have a different topic? One that celebrates the isle of emerald green? I have a number of other topics that are in my writing book from which to choose but… I couldn’t do it. This one is the blog I need to write. So, in keeping with my theme today, is it fair that not everyone gets to claim Irish heritage? For one day a year at least we give everyone the opportunity to pretend!

I heard about a situation where someone was going through the regimen required for a very difficult job. The mental and emotional intensity of the two years to “graduate” was over the top. There’s a sense of, “I went through it and so should you”. In other words, it’s not fair that you don’t experience what I did to get to the same place. Does that sound a little military to you? It does to me! [I keep picturing Jack Nicholson in court during “A Few Good Men”.] When you look around at other “training” scenarios, for instance in hospitals, have they evolved over the years? Does the idea of fairness mean that we have to keep treating people the same way and not learn any lessons from the past? If you go back to the Oxford definition above, it says impartial, it does not say, the same as was done to me.

Yet we’ve developed this image of fairness that says if someone else has endured it, so must you. How about the idea that if something seems harder than what people went through in the past, it’s not fair? My son and daughter-in-law are hoping to purchase their first home. Where they live is exceptionally expensive. Like, crazy expensive! It’s almost impossible to be able to purchase a home. Now, they are trying to approach it in a stepping stone manner. Start off with something that is small but gets them in the market. After some time they would sell and move up, so to speak. The reality is that even a small entry into the market is ridiculously priced. Recently they looked at other ideas. Perhaps they could move and start a business somewhere that is more accessible. After trying, they encountered so many barriers that they decided it wasn’t their path, at least for now.

For them, the fact that they have saved money, have planned, have considered and worked hard to be able to support themselves and their future and are greeted with these insurmountable barriers is not fair. I annoy my son by pointing out there are many ways in which their lives are so much better than the generations that came before them. I’m looking at the bigger picture. I’m looking at buying a house as one piece of a whole life. My son sees it differently. In the past, there were opportunities to buy houses at much less cost than currently. Down payments have increased over the years and are now incredibly high for those looking at their first mortgage. His comparison is direct - house purchase back then to house purchase now. And he’s right. It’s significantly harder now.

So, it’s unfair. Well, I guess you can say it is in terms of impartiality or discrimination. Only those “with money” are going to be able to buy a home. People who have worked hard and saved may not be able to purchase a house, at least not where my son lives. Should it be fair? I wish it was as I want to see my son and daughter-in-law with their own home. However, I think the reality is there are many things we have in our lives nowadays that are about privilege and not particularly fair. We like to believe that with hard work and resilience everyone can achieve success. That would seem fair.

That leads to me thoughts about safety nets and bailouts. We see examples of companies and people who seem to have no consequences for their actions. Governments and banks bail them out. How come that happens? That certainly isn’t an example of fairness - it depends on who you know and how well you know them! Or perhaps it’s what you hold over someone else. By the way, I’m chuckling a little as I write this. I have no idea how a bailout is determined. There may be some valid reasons why one company gets one and another does not. It’s probably well above my understanding and with a big picture view of impacts to the economy, to society, etc.

Recently a nearby school board suggested that all students in a high school graduating class should be able to attend commencement ceremonies with their peers, regardless of their own status. They are also proposing the elimination of awards. I’m sure you can imagine the uproar that followed. How fair is it to those in the class that worked to achieve passing marks? How about those that earned those awards? Now, high school was a long time ago for me. I received some awards at my graduation and I can honestly say the idea of not having awards does not sit well.  The real world is a place that is not “fair”. Are we giving our children and students a disadvantage by creating an idea of fairness that doesn’t exist? Are we sending them into a world that does have competition and expectations of hard work and showing up and going above and beyond in order to stand out? [Having said all of that, I do think there are situations, and they have to be considered one by one, where it is appropriate that a student be allowed to attend with their class.]

Should the world be that competitive where only the special rise to the top? Maybe not, but it is. So, what should I be striving for? Should I be working to make the world fair? If I want to help, is that the goal? A fair society? I tend to think equitable makes more sense. I think we should be providing equitable opportunities. There are always going to be people who are in the right place at the right time and get a chance to show themselves. And it’s the showing of themselves that puts them first - I believe we should see positive returns on hard work. Maybe I’m naive but that’s the way I am. Let’s create a world that welcomes people making the effort. I want to see people achieve their idea of great things. Find out what you need to do and learn and go out and do it. It shouldn’t be easy. What’s easy isn’t as well appreciated as what is well earned. And including all definitions of easy makes us a diverse society. What I’m good at isn’t necessarily what the next person is good at. I know someone who struggled in school but is a great mom and a caring person. Isn’t that someone we want in our world? Don’t we want that person to have opportunities, too? Maybe it isn’t fair that she had a rough time with school subjects but that doesn’t mean that she didn’t turn out to be a wonderful person.

There isn’t anything fair about where and to whom you are born. I am blessed to have been born in Canada. (I also consider it a blessing to belong to my family.) We have freedoms that many countries do not have and our image of wealth and health is very different from some places in the world. Maybe it would help to have gratitude for all that we do have and try to carry that forward. Acknowledging our blessings can only help us as we look around at the world. To what has this blog brought me? As I point out often, it’s about gratitude. Life isn’t fair but it’s got so many amazing people and so much talent that I can only be grateful for all that I encounter on my life’s path. I have so many people in my life for whom I am truly thankful. I don’t want this blog to come across as negative. It’s not. I think it’s about acknowledging what we can do to remove the idea of “it’s not fair”. We need to figure out how to make it work for us.

Not many pictures today as I haven’t been doing any work on the house recently.
Top left is the wreath on my front door, on the top right is my front closet door. On the bottom left are pictures of my son and I kissing the Blarney Stone - these are permanent fixtures on my kitchen wall. On the bottom right is an adorable addition given to me by my mom.

This is my tea area and yes, I was making my favourite Irish tea! I really love it but am wondering if it would suit me better in a different area of the kitchen - the musing continues.